Nervous Breakdown: over

Yep, I'm okay.  Last week was...last week.  I was kind of stressed out, (as if you couldn't tell).

Right now, I'm trying to forget it all.  The past.  The future.  It's all gone.  Music.  Ludovico Einaudi is playing through my headphones and I'm sitting in the present--only the present moments exist.

I'm choosing not to worry about tomorrow.  It doesn't matter.  Neither does two months from now.  Nothing matters but the present.

I have no work or violin lesson tomorrow, and my workplace is closed for the 4th.  So I have an honest to goodness three day weekend ahead of me.  Three days of no work.  You can't even believe how ecstatic I am.  I work five days a week, and have a hectic sixth day of other things.  I am so looking forward to pampering myself with wasteful expeditions and junk food and extra sleep.

I've decided that as I am moving away in about a month and a half (the 19th of August) that I must do at least one extra special thing for myself each day.  I want to make the most of my last weeks at home.

Yesterday I bought ice cream.  May not seem like much, but I really enjoyed it.  My friend slept over the night before.  I've cracked open some fun books that I never finished last summer.  I've been rewatching old favorite movies.  Tonight was Mission Impossible 3.   I also printed out the sheet music for Einaudi's "Fly" song.  (Think Nokia camera comercials or NBA if you youtube it. lol)

It's time to enjoy my last summer at home as a pre-college kid.  I have 48 days left at home....

*~*Laura*~*

sorry, but this is a venting post...I'm a bit down right now.

I'll be fine after a few hours of sleep I think.  I bet I'm just tired.  Maybe I need sleep. But I'm stressed and sad.

I miss NaNo....  Is it ridiculous to be missing NaNo?  I write EVERY DAY.  Why do I miss my special November-time...?  Because I get to push myself?  Because of the friends and odd chats?  Because of the excitement...yeah.  It's thrilling.  And I miss it.  And I'm scared my mom will seriously disapprove if I tell her I'm going to do NaNo2009 since it'll be my freshman year of college....  BUT I HAVE TO DO NANO!!!!  I can't NOT do nano....  It's in my blood now.  I'm going to find some weird places to write too.  I never got to go anywhere odd these past two years.  This coming November I want to sit in the elevators and type or find random hotel lobbies/coffee shops and watch the world as I work.  ...Bring it on.

*huge huge sigh*  I've gotten into contact with my college roomate for my upcoming semester.  She is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of everything I am.  So now I am...terrified!  She's loud and I'm quiet.  She's up till all hours of the night (morning) and I'm scheduling classes for 8:00am or 9:00.  (She doesn't have any classes before 11:00am. )  She's...intense.  (Who lists "dying my hair and getting piercings" amongst their string of hobbies?  ...*tear*)  I'm stressed because I'm worried about this.  I've never been friends with someone like her, I think.  And though she seems really nice in her emails, some of the things (noted above) are kind of making me nervous.

To top it off, I was naive (see: stupid!) and said I didn't really want to have guys coming into our doorm room often, and she was kind of thrown.  She said (very nicely) that she has a lot of guy friends, but  that "none of them are really crude or anything."  Whatever that's supposed to do for me....  Egh........   I wish I could just take back my comment now, but I don't know how.  ("Okay, just forget I said anything!  I'm okay with guys coming into our room at any time of day!"  ...?)

Yeah... stressed?

My to-do list is incredible, it seems.  A few nights ago my parents woke up to find me up at some terrible hour of the morning.  Their words: "Laura!  It's you!  But you're supposed to be the responsible one!"  Then my mom somehow found a way to mention all of these things that I haven't done this summer yet that I should be doing.  So, after having a rough time falling asleep, I woke up the next morning making to-do lists.  I now have this massive daily list of check-off items.  (Believe it or not, Xanga is on there, because I keep dropping off the Xangean planet.)  And I'm slowly getting things done.  But now...now I'm just tired.  I don't know what's wrong with me.  I feel off tonight.

I just found out the sheets I bought for my dorm room are probably the wrong size.  I don't know if I have the receipt.

One of my coworkers is quitting in a week, so we will probably have to hire someone....  I'm kind of glad and sad.  I have never liked t girl all that much because she slacked off and I took the brunt of her...slacking?  But, lately, she and I have been having fun working together.  I can't even say why.  So now I feel odd knowing that I'm going to miss her, yet being relieved that I won't ever get any more last minute (see: one hour before work!) calls to ask if I can take her shift.... *sigh*

I need to journal.  Seriously.  I need to vent there, because this is getting too long and no one will read it.  But, oh well.  I'll leave you with one fair parting shot...

Dollarish posted: "What would you do with 10 million dollars?"

What I wish I could put:
Buy a piano store
buy at least three kittens/cats
set aside rest for college/post-college expenses

What I would probably actually do:
put aside enough for all college expenses
buy a modestly priced piano (hopefully a white baby-grand!)
buy at least three kittens/cats
save for post-college living expenses

Yes...both lists are in order. :)  Sorry I was venting tonight.  I'll get back to you with comments soon....

As Facebook says: "Laura B-----"

--"Is sad for some reason, and can't figure out why.  My day was perfectly happy earlier.  Now, I just feel tired and scared and upset.  I think I'll take my iPod, put on some worship music, and go to sleep."

Favorite song for when I'm sad: Bebo Norman's "Tip Of My Heart"

"I'm gonna live...."

*sigh*  I could use a hug right now....  I could really use a hug.

I have had the craziest week.  And it's still going!!!!!

Choir competition, problems at work, college courses nearing Finals week (this would be Dead Week, but apparently my school doesn't do that; I have classes).  I've been sick, and am still getting over it.  I'm freaking out about the Swine Flu that's broken out in Texas.  My friend's school classes were cancelled for the WHOLE WEEK because there were two people in the school who had it.  I have a lot of homework to do, but I'm so tired because I've gotten very little sleep because of the choir trip that I just got back from last night.

I got my book printed.  It looks wonderful, but I've already found two typos.  I haven't read through it all yet because I don't want to find more.

Praise God that I was able to sing almost without problems at my choir competition.  On Tuesday, I couldn't take a single deep breath without going off into a bout of coughing.  Friday afternoon though, I told God I would trust Him, and though I had some worrying moments, I did pretty well.  Now our final concert is coming up in a week, and I'm hoping I'll be even better by then.  It's my final choir concert since I'll be graduating this spring.

If anyone sees this in the next week or so, please pray for me about my job.  I've had a little issue spring up, and I haven't told very many people about it, but it's not good.  I'm scared to try to talk to my mom, because if everything turns out fine, I'd rather not go through the guilt with her.  If things go South though, I'll feel pretty stupid for not telling her before.  *sigh*  I'm so stressed about this right now.  Please, just pray for God to give me favor with my boss, and please pray for peace to settle around me.  I need that so much right now.

Thanks guys,

*~*Laura*~*

Guess what? I'm STILL not dead!!!

Hey, everyone!  I hope you're all okay.

I'm getting close to finishing the revision of my novel.  It's almost over!!!  Almost over!!!  Over!!!  *echo echo echo etc.*

*sigh*  I have nothing to say.  It's only been two months, but heck, I have nothing to say!  Weird.

I'm taking a philosophy class.  It's...interesting.

Uh...I've been busy lately?  Work, school, editing.

Oh!  I wrote a totally epic scene for a someday-to-be-written novel of mine!  It was soooo amazing.  It just felt right.  Reminded me of why I am a writer.  It's those moments when the words just come.  You can almost hear the music score in the back of your internal movie.  I have to read it again later tonight and re-evaluate it.  It just felt so right while I was writing.  Truly wonderful.

Today for breakfast I had Chips Ahoy cookies and Kit-Kats.  It was totally awesome.  Then for lunch, I had real food.  Fortunately for my stomach, my breakfast was not too long before my lunch.  I slept in, then got up and snacked a little as I wrote my epic scene.  Then I ate lunch and ran to work.  (Okay, I drove, but I wanted to run because I was late and my car does badly in the rain.  It doesn't like to stop in the rain, so it sometimes just slides across the street like a doohicky people play with in Curling.)

Anyway, I got to work late, but I guess my bosses weren't TOO upset.  They didn't yell at me or anything, so I counted it as a good thing.  Still, I felt terrible.  They had to do my job until I got there.  I apologized, but I wanted to apologize at least three times every hour I was there.  I didn't.

I didn't cheer up again until I had been at work for almost three hours.  But eventually, I picked myself back up and reminded myself worse things could have happened.  At least I showed up.  So I guess it was okay.  I'm okay.  My bosses didn't seem too upset, but I could tell my main boss was annoyed.  Oops.  Problem is, it was just a stupid mistake on my part.  I thought I was working the late shift, but I wasn't.  So I was late.

I really hate disappointing people.  I really hate not being where I'm supposed to be and not doing what I'm supposed to do.  I've decided it's worse than fights or arguments--and I always thought fighting was the worst thing on the planet.  But disappointing people feels worse to me.  So there.

Anyway, on a happier note, I watched Remember The Titans today (great movie) and I fell in love with the theme.  Also "The Chase" and the "Theme" from National Treasure are both AMAZING.  I just realized how much so tonight.  They are EPIC.  EPIC!

I'm gonna go re-read my epic scene now.  After I eat some cereal, anyway.  ttyl

*~*Laura*~*

I'm still alive, don't mourn for me yet!!!

I just keep disappearing from the net, don't I?  Bad, Laura.

I'm trying to finish editting nano'07.  It's really rough still.  I kind of need a miracle--and not just to get this novel done, but to feel good about it when it's done.  Right now, I still see all the plot-holes in my mind.  When it gets printed, I hope to find nothing to whine about.  At least, nothing to whine about very much.  I know I'll find something in there though.

I started my semester of school.  This is my last semester of high school!!!   What the heck?  How did I get here so fast?  I remember wishing the last five years of my schooling would end finally, and now they're about to.  I'm about to graduate.  (Side-note: I'm sooo glad to be done with the whole SAT ickiness.  Sooo glad to not be worrying about that anymore.  Not fun!)

This year, I'm taking Philosophy and Speech as my two college courses.  I really like my Speech teacher.  She's great.  My Philosophy teacher kind of ... um ... scares me.  He's funny, and sarcastic, but kind of scary as a professor.  So I'm hoping I'll do all right in his class.  And I hope I won't go way over any wordcount-maximums in my papers for his class, 'cause I don't think he's the type of guy who would like it.  If he say something has to be done in a certain way, he really means it.  I can't pass up a max wordcount amount.  I really really really hope I do all right with that.

The coat I ordered online from New York and Co. last December finally arrived today.  It was very nice to have that thing finally.  But annoying that I had to go to my college classes twice and try to stuff my huge, puffy coat underneath my chair during class time.  It was a hassle.  That thing is huge.  I could barely drive in it, because when I sat down, it was stiff enough to stand up and put a wall around the lower half of my face.  *shakes head*  I looked silly.

But anyway, I have all my school books bought.  And so far, my classes seem to be nice (even though I've only had two days of them).  I think I'm taking notes well.  I seem to be taking down about twice as much as everyone I sit near in both my classes so I guess that means I'm doing well.  I really don't mind taking too many notes, but I would be scared if I thought I was taking too few.

Today I got to babysit two of the cutest kids in my church during my lunch.  A 1 and 3 year old pair of siblings.  Their parents are good friends of the family, and they wanted to have a nice lunch alone, since having four kids leaves you with little time to yourselves.  So we offered to take the two kids, while the older ones were at school.  I adore those kids.  And I loved playing with them.  The 1 year old waddles around everywhere, and I held her hands and helped her up and down the stairs over and over again, then carried her around whenever she was willing to be still in my arms.  The 3 year old never stopped talking, or moving.  But I love that kid.  She stole my heart with her cuteness. lol  One day, she was sitting on my lap in church and she looks up at me and says, "I like your hair." *she touches my hair* "I like your earings." *touches my earings* "I like your mom."

I was like..."Thanks.  Wait--what?" lol  My mom is her Sunday school teacher, so it wasn't quite as random as it could have been.  But I laughed pretty hard all the same.  Love that kid!

Tomorrow, I'm going to work in the morning.  Then I plan to spend AT LEAST three or four hours with my best friend.  We haven't just sat around and talked in AGES.  Whenever we're together, my youngest sister is getting us to do silly things, and we forget to have serious conversations.  Tomorrow, we'll fix that.  I've been looking forward to it all week.

Also tomorrow, I'll get to see my mom's extended family for the first time in maybe 8 months.  They have a little girl and boy.  (maybe 7 and 9 now?)  I don't see them very often, but the little girl has stolen my heart more than once.  When Katrina hit a few years ago, the family came to stay with us for a couple of days.  The girl was four then, and she and I spent the whole weekend together.  The last time I saw her, she didn't remember the Katrina vacation to my house, but that's okay, I stole her heart in return. lol  We went to Sea World together, and I listened to everything she had to say about her cute little second-grade friends and her life.  So we do well together.  She gets an adoring fan to listen to her; I get a cute kid to follow around all day.  It's a good mix. : )

So um...yay?  Happy New Year, guys!  I hope this one will be awesome for all of us. : )

*~*Laura*~*